A prison might sound like a strange place to work with victims of crime but that’s how I’ve found myself knowing far more than a woman ought to know about the sexual abuse of boys.
I’ve spent more than 20 years working with men in prison. Men who had been written off as “untreatable” when subject to the standard treatments for men in prison. Men who were considered to be the most dangerous men in the system. Men who, some had concluded, treatment could make worse. Men for whom there was no hope.
We don’t have any problem seeing something has gone wrong when women land up in prison. We question their “deviancy”. We can see something isn’t right. Something must have gone amiss. We come with curiosity and questions. We look beyond the behaviour. We mount a case for empathy and compassion when it comes to female prisoners.
Not so, when it comes to men. We assume violence is just masculinity left unchecked. No need to ponder why or look more deeply. Of course, our boys must be taught not to be misogynistic. Without such guidance, they’d surely revert to type? Aren’t those in prison just those who failed to learn?
All prisons, both those for men and those for women, are full of people who were betrayed in childhood. Often by those they should have been able to most trust. These children weren’t protected by adults. These children were physically harmed (boys are subject to physical abuse at higher rates than girls), emotionally and verbally abused, made to feel unwelcome and unloved, unworthy and scared. And yes, the men, just like the women, were also sexually abused.
Where I worked as Clinical Director in a high secure prison, over 66% of the men had experienced sexual abuse during childhood. Often by multiple different perpetrators on multiple different occasions. By dads, step-fathers, priests, scoutmasters and neighbours. But also by mothers, aunts, nuns, baby-sitters and siblings. Tellingly, in a unit where many of the men had significantly harmed women, over half (52%) who had been sexually abused on any occasion (66%) had at least one female perpetrator who’d inflicted this kind of harm. But this wasn’t immediately apparent. And it wasn’t known on their arrival despite many assessments over many years with many different professionals.
It emerged gradually. In relationships where men felt safe enough to acknowledge vulnerability. Where they were free to inspect their shame without fear of condemnation. When asked questions that invited them to join therapists in being curious. What did go wrong? What happened to them? Had they actually deserved better?
Why do we know so little about the childhood sexual trauma of male offenders? Is it just because men find it harder to tell? Or are we also unwilling to listen?